Ghost Story

The ghost didn't really feel it ever had much of a chance.

It was an average ghost, of average height and girth. It had an average personality, and an average i.q. It had experienced, yes, quite an average life before being relegated to ghostdom.

It had died on a gurney, whilst being wheeled to a waiting ambulance, after choking on a large chunk of tuna in a sushi restaurant. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't squeeze that goddamn piece of fish out of the tracheal tube it had lodged in, and so the ghost had become... well, a ghost.

As the ghost left its body, rising to tree level on the street outside, it looked down, and was neither appalled nor impressed. Nor even depressed. Average lives are, after all, really nothing to write home about. You generally read nary a word about them, nor do you ever see them explored on television or in film. They just don't make for interesting stories or scripts. The only thing anybody ever wants from an average soul is their money or their vote. And so, the ghost looked down at its average body with a bit of relief at having the whole boring thing over and done with.

Upon realizing that indeed the game was over, or as over as it ever is, the ghost looked around and took inventory. Much to its amazement, it saw a multitude of other ghosts hanging around, all of them average, none of them famous or ridiculously rich or even particularly good looking. Some of them were playing checkers and card games and such with each other. Others were just kind of milling around looking bored. Some were humming show tunes, mildly out of key.

Having no body to hold it down, the ghost attempted to fly, but found it could only hover at best, and even then, it felt much more comfortable when it could hang onto or sit on something. Kind of like a big, buoyant water balloon, it felt much sloshier than it had imagined ghosts should be. And yet, still it had no particular complaints.

A second ghost sloshed over to it, bumping into it, causing both to jiggle violently.

"Excuse me," said the second ghost.

The first ghost was unable to formulate a word, or even much of a thought. It just stood there and jiggled.

"You must be new here," said the second ghost. "I've never seen you before."

The first ghost silently jiggled a bit more, before becoming still.

"There's no reason to be afraid," said the second ghost soothingly.

"I..... d-don't....... like...........y-y-you ," said the first ghost, proudly forming its first ghoulish sentence.

"Well," said the second ghost. "I see. I was just trying to be friendly." It careened off into the distance.

The first ghost, feeling a new sense of empowerment, decided it should go haunt some place. And so it sloshed back into the sushi restaurant.

There was a huge commotion inside. The police were there, and even a reporter from the local newspaper. Cameras were going off, and there was a small crowd gathering outside.

The ghost got very excited, realizing what a scene it had caused. It began to envision Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie starring in a movie about its life. It sloshed over to the chair it had been sitting in, and lolled around in it in a most languid fashion.

"Look at me!" screamed the ghost. "Look at me, you dumb motherfuckers!"

But, of course, nobody heard the ghost's cries. The television in the corner showed the owner being interviewed for the local cable channel. The remaining customers stared at it momentarily, some finishing their meals, as others began to read the sushi menu.

"The tuna roll is killer here," joked one patron.

The ghost went over and sat on his face.

"I feel really strange all of a sudden," he said. "Let's hurry up and order..."