Things are too damn big.
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Let’s start with banks. I’ve been ranting about them lately. Let’s beat up on them some more. They are huge.They own EVERYONE’s mortgage and many small countries. They also own several pieces of real estate in every shopping center. Everyone who complains about the size of government seems to like the size of these banks. Yet, leaving nuclear weapons aside,these banks could take down the whole country alot faster than the government could.
How about mattresses? You heard me. At first glance their size seems less dangerous than the mega banks,but not so fast! Have you noticed the ceiling getting closer and closer? have you begun to need to raise the height of your television for mysterious reasons? Do your deep pocketed king size sheets barely cover the pillow top of your new queen? Has your dog begun to ask to be hoisted up? Do your toddlers know you’re in there? Do you remember when falling out of bed wasn’t lethal?
Is it really good for us to eat salads the size of Harvey the Rabbit’s Easter Basket? I’m just saying that every time I walk into a restaurant and a grown man is sitting in front of a salad the size of the VW he had in high school, you gotta wonder. Who said eating an entire field was necessary, and who forgot to mention that the bottle of thousand island on it makes you look like a fool for not getting the burger? The burger cost less than the bucket of grass.
What about our movie theaters? Is it a good thing that they are named after cardiac procedures...the triplex, the quadraplex, the decaplex, and the REALLY big might-as-well-park-in-jersey plex?? You know, the one where your car is over on the bypass?
Muffins are so big that they created a new industry, the muffin tops. They are the size of a small pizza. 50 inch televisions in 20 foot rooms give Anderson Cooper a different look altogether. He’s cool, and he’s handsome, but I don’t want to scope his nostrils. Teacups are completely out of style in favor of 20 ounce mugs. Ever wonder if our carpal tunnel could be coming from that?
Stores that require you to bring your own oxygen tank are just way too big. We roam around these boxes as if there’s something unique in there. Here’s a hint. Just ask your neighbor for the latest Payless Shoe of your choice or brand of coffee. They have the same thing at their house. In fact everyone has the same thing. The size of the store is directly disproportionate to the creativity of the items in there. My sharpies are your sharpies. Here’s a really scary thought. My sexy nightgown is the same as all the other women’s sexy nightgowns. The guy who sleeps around alot sees the same thing. In the same color. In every state. AFTER he already saw it in the catalog. That comes to every house. Owned by the same bank. In every state.
So maybe we should scale it all back a bit. Good things come in small packages. Or so I remember.. \uabr>\uabr>c.2010, Lisa Wiffledust\uabr>