Me being profoundly profound :)

On my way to work, my mind was on the go, go, go! I'm a person thatbelieves in signs, if you will. Sometimes, these signs are shown to meon actual signs. I spend a lot of time reading, even when driving; I'mreading the signs/billboards along the way and then playing letter/wordgames, it keeps my mind occupied....especially because I haven't had aworking radio in my car for years now lol. I digress, so anyway...Idon't see hidden messages on every sign I read, if I did...my mindwould explode ha ha. And, sometimes I can see the same sign a thousandtimes and see just what it says, but then out of the blue something onit will jump out at me. Like I told Jamie yesterday, I tend to thinkinside the box, outside the box, and everywhere in between. ;) Today,only one jumped out at me and it was found on a license plate. Itwasn't personalized, but the letters on it said SKY. And my mind saidto me, sky high; the limits are endless if I'm willing to take risks& push myself. (but not too hard lol) I have been holding myselfback, not sure why exactly...perhaps out of fear, uncertainty,combination of reasons, etc. I'm tired of standing on the sidelines,daydreaming....big dreams, but not accomplishing much of anythingbecause I'm not trying as hard as I can. If I want something, I need togo for it...not just say I want it and then put forth all thesehalfhearted attempts or sometimes not even try at all. The sky is thelimit, yeah...my message for the day. Things are coming togetherslowly, but I have much to do. I said it several times already, but Iwill say it again...2011 WILL be my year to shine, because this yearI'm going to try harder than I ever have to make my dreams into reality.

Mymove back to Milwaukee has been a touchy subject for some. Some areexcited, some think this is best for me, some think I'm making a hugemistake, some urge me to re-think things, and some just say...I willsupport you no matter what you decide. Well, like it or not...this isMY decision. I have done nothing but think about every angleobsessively since I got here. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend tothink too much, so if there is anyone who thinks I haven't thoughtthings through or haven't gone to God with this...anyone who questionsthis decision, you need to know that I have thought it all throughthoroughly and I have gone to God countless times on this matter, aswell as many other things. This decision was not made lightly anddefinitely not made easily.

I'm not just "walkingaway" or "giving up". And while I may be leaving Appleton, I am not"abandoning" my son. I am doing what is best for my son, but know I'mnot just disappearing from his life, that is NOT going to happen. Iwill continue to play a role in his life, just not the one many thoughtI would when I first moved to Appleton. Everyone was excited when Iannounced my move to Appleton, including myself. Finally, we allthought...finally I will get the time with Zach I have been sodesiring, finally Jason will HAVE to share Zach equally. How many yearshad I been praying about having equal time with Zach? How long had Ibeen also wanting to "stick it to" Jason? Many of you saw me cry manytimes about how unfair Jason was being, about how much I missed Zach,about how I just wanted things to be the way they were supposed to be,about how this entire situation just, well...sucked. And, so now IFINALLY make it to Appleton...making things "right" within my grasp andnow I'm moving back to MKE and eventually, maybe out of state....howcan this be, some ask. Like I said, this decision was NOT made easilyor lightly.

I know some of you shake your head atthis and you are entitled to your opinions and I do not hate you forhow you feel. I can see why you think the way that you do, my heart wassaying some of those same things to me when I was battling withinmyself to make a decision, "If I leave, I'll just be running away.""What will Zach think? Will he think I'm just leaving him?" I had thesame thoughts that people with concern have said to me. My mind hadbeen at war with itself since before I even got to Appleton. "Am Idoing the right thing?" I have been asking myself that for awhile now.But, after much prayer and soul searching, I made my decision and I amsticking to it. I am going to get my act together and I am going to dowhat is best for me...by taking care of myself, I'm helping Zach. Theperson I became when I moved here has not been good for Zach, not goodat all. I have been so angry, frustrated, sad, and hopeless. I havebeen completely miserable and Zach has seen it. I am making sacrificesthat kill me inside, but this is what you do when you want what is bestfor your child(ren).

The best thing is not alwayseasy and some may not agree with you, but if you love me, then whileyou may not like or understand what I am doing; please respect mydecision and stand behind me. I don't want to argue or debate this anylonger, my mind is made up and once it is, anyone who knows me knowsit's futile to try and change my mind. I'm doing this, I am leavingAppleton as soon as someone takes over my lease, which looks like itwill be soon. I am making a real go of my life this time and in theend, all will work out for everyone involved. My son will have the lifehe deserves, a life that Jason has been providing for so long now. Andlike I said, I am NOT disappearing from Zach's life. Wild horsescouldn't keep me from being a part of his life. Things will be the waythey're supposed to be, I have full faith in this. So, right now...timeto take care of myself and see where that takes me. First stop, MKE toget my bearings and after that, only God knows right now. But, I amexcited to find out where He's leading me.

A lot ofpeople have been asking for prayer lately and what I tend to do is stopwhat I'm doing and say a quick prayer, so that I don't forget because Itell a lot of people I will pray for them and I don't want things toget so hectic that things slip my mind. I want everyone to know that ifI have said I will pray for you, that I meant it. A lot of people saythey will pray for you or keep you in their thoughts...and perhapsmeant with the best of intentions, but sometimes life just gets crazyand we forget to pray, to call the people we said we'd call, etc. Thisdoes not make someone a bad friend, it makes them human...but it doeshurt when people forget, so I really try not to forget. When I do, I amsorry. I don't forget to call, stop by, write, pray, etc because I'muninterested, because I secretly don't like you, because I'minsincere....please know what my heart has room for everyone and Igenuinely mean to be here for anyone of you when you ask. If I fail todo so, I feel horrible....and I tend to beat myself up over it, becausebeing there for people is something that's a part of who I am and if Ican't be there, it feels wrong.

I love you all,please know whether I know you very well or hardly at all; you can cometo me whenever you need to with anything and I will listen...and ifthere's something I can do beyond that, I will. My heart is on mysleeve, always has been. Though, I hope to shed the doormatimpression...but if I can't, it's because I'm just being true tomyself. I wish not to be taken advantage of, but I guess it comes withthe territory when you're like me. Though, I do plan on standing up formyself, my beliefs, and those I care for more than I have in the past.Standing up for one's self does not make one a bitch or heartless, itjust means that you're not going to put up with b.s. Right? Right! Betrue to who you are...yep, because if you don't; you and everyonearound you will be miserable. You can't please everyone, so STOPTRYING! Yeah, I need to listen to that one too lol. Be yourself,because those who love you should love you for who you are and not whothey want you to be....because if they love an image, they don't reallylove "you" anyway. ;)

Actions speak louder than wordsis a very popular phrase. But did you know that sometimes words are/canbe the actions? I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, butlet me explain lol. I work with words a lot. I write letters, givecards with heartfelt messages/poems, write poetry, etc and that is agift I like to share with those I love and with the world too. If Ican't physically be there or sometimes even if I can, I still find iteasiest to show people how I feel or get a message across by using thewritten word. Though I suppose there is still action in that, I have towrite it out and get it out to the people I want to reach. ;) I havecome to realize recently that one of the reasons I am here is to touchpeople with my words. When someone I have never met tells me a poem Iwrote inspired them or someone who doesn't like me tells me that what Iwrote touched them, then I know I really do have a gift for reachingpeople with my writing. I hope to do more of that this year. I am gladthat the words I have shared have touched people. Thanks for giving methe inspiration to share what I have to say, everyone.