Who Am I?

When you look at me, who do you see? Do you see my father with a beer
in his hand all day long? Do you see my mother with her baggage? Do you
see my siblings and their issues? Do you see one of my friends whom you
don't like for whatever reason? Who do you see? I look in the mirror
and I see me, not anyone else. I have features that show whose blood
runs in my veins. I even do and say things that sound/look like people
you know. But in the end, I am me...always me. Stop comparing me to
everyone else. I'm not my mom, dad, best friend, brother, sister,
cousin, niece, etc. I am ME! Don't hold anyone's sins against me but my
own. And even at that, don't judge me. Let he or she without sin cast
the first stone. Surely you don't look at me with that smirk and think
you're above judgment when that day comes when God returns. Perhaps you
don't believe in God or heaven & hell. But no matter what your
beliefs, you have no right to criticize me for what I've said and done.
I don't make a lot of money. I never went to college. I have a son and
I'm not married or even seeing the father of my son. I have been drunk,
though I'm not a drunk. None of this makes me a bad person. It makes me
human. And I could go further. I have lied. I have manipulated
situations. I have said hurtful things, spiteful things....though I
have always felt bad about it later. I have done and said many things
I'm not proud of. I have done what I can to make amends. I don't like
hurting people. I hate being hurt and I know what it feels like to be
betrayed, it sucks. I am an empathetic person, one who takes on pain
when those I love feel pain. When people in my life are hurting, I
feel...torn, broken, and hurt because I want to take their pain away.
The hurtful things I have done only intensifies it, when that pain has
been caused by me, I feel more shame than I could ever show. I am one
who likes to see those I love happy. I like to make people smile and
laugh. I love to hug. I love to love. I hate to hate. I am one person,
but with two different sides. My friend gave me the nickname, Rainbow
Dark. At first, I thought it was ridiculous. It started as Rainbow or
Rainbow Brite because he saw me dressed colorful most of the time. One
time I came dressed in all black and he looked at me and said
quizzically: "Rainbow Dark?" It stuck. Eventually, I came to love the
name. I am light and dark, but aren't we all? Anyway, when I say the
name fits me, it's not just my many colored wardrobe. It stems to every
part of me. And how ironic is it that I'm bi polar and though I don't
put much stock into astrology, I'm born on a cusp. My taste in music,
the people I hang out with, the way I think, how I act....it's all so
split in the middle. One side of me is dark and disturbed. And the
other side of me is charismatic, compassionate, and beautiful. But like
I said, in the end...I am always me. There are things that will never
change no matter what mood I'm in. My name means loving and that is who
I am. No matter how moody or dark I get, I don't lose sight of love.
God is love and he has blessed me with the ability to love. I can't
shun anyone for I know I have no right. The pot calling the kettle
black? I wish not to be a hypocrite. And, I know what it's like to be
pushed aside because I'm not cool enough, I'm not well to do enough,
I've been in trouble, etc. No one should be pushed aside. He called us
to love. We may not be best friends or even really hang out, but I can
promise you that if you need help and I can help, I will. I have been
on my own, wondering how I'd get by, not easy. I've hit rock bottom,
wondering if anyone cared. If you need a ride home and I have gas in my
car, I will get you. If you're depressed and need an ear, even if I
don't know you...I will listen. If you need food in the house, even if
I'm broke...I will give you food. There's a reason I feel that Rainbow
comes first, I am one who gets pulled down....who has her own
issues...has demons inside....but always ends up striving for the
light. God is here inside me, fighting with me....helping me push ahead.
I will sing till the day I die, scratchy voice when ill...but life is
too precious not to sing about it. I will sing His praises. I will sing
about love. I will sing for you, just listen. Don't just hear my voice,
but the tone...the message...look into my eyes, for as long as I will
let you. I don't hold gazes for long, never been good at that. But look
& listen. Don't just scratch the surface. Don't listen to what
others say. Your opinion should be based on us, not how others feel.
That's how I operate and that's what I'm trying to teach my son. His
dad and I are far from friends, but I want his relationship with dad to
be based on them, not the bitterness between his daddy & I. When
you see me, who do you see? Do you really see me? Do you see others? Do
you see what others see? I am who I am and I am not apologizing for
that. But I do apologize if I have ever hurt you or caused you grief.
Life's lessons, they teach me much and they will till I die. And they
teach me not to judge anyone or assume that someone is a certain way
based on how they look, sound, or what others think of them. I am
friends with the hated. I am the hated too. I am friends with the lost.
I am lost too. I am friends with the odd, oh you know I am odd and
proud of it. :P I accept people for who they are, that's all I want in
return. Can you do that? Can you accept me the way I am, blemishes on
the outside as well as in??? I can't promise never to hurt your
feelings. I can't promise I won't annoy you. I can't promise you
anything but that I will always be me. I will do my best to be here
when you need me. If I mess up, I hope I am adult enough to admit and
apologize. I will try to make you smile and laugh. I will be a part of
your life for as long as you let me. So, will you let me? That is up to
you. Our choices are our own. We only control ourselves, no one else.
So again, who am I? Do you know? Do you care? And will you let me in? I
will let you in. :)