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My thoughts are swirling around my mind, so many things at once trying to grab my attention. More and more lately, my goals and dreams have been front & center....

Anyone who knows me or has even paid any real attention to my posts on
here knows that I want to move to Appleton and A.S.A.P. In the
beginning, my decision to do this was made because I want what is best
for my son. And that is still true, always will be. HE COMES BEFORE
ANYONE! But more and more, I find myself wanting this move/change for
myself as well. I don't want it because I wish to run away from
anything or anyone. The past can follow you no matter where you go and
so can drama. However, I am walking towards a new beginning for myself.
I am not leaving anyone behind, those who want to keep in touch will be
able to do so. I love my friends, always will. I won't be going to
Appleton and never looking back. Starting over, gaining a fresh start
for yourself doesn't mean letting everything from today & yesterday
behind. But, it does mean leaving some things behind...the things that
I need to let go of. Change can be a very good thing and sometimes a
change is just what one needs. I know I need this. At first, I wrestled
with the idea of leaving the Milwaukee area. In fact, I wrestled with
the idea for years. I went back and forth because I really wasn't ready
to go. Things were keeping me here, but the wrong things. I don't feel
held back anymore. When I do finally obtain a full time job in Appleton
and get my butt up there, I will cry when I move. It will be hard being
further away from a lot of people than I have been in years. It will be
hard leaving a job with people I love with my whole heart. It will be
hard period. Adjusting will take time, but it is something I want...the
change, the adjusting, everything. I believe in my heart with
everything I have that the move is needed and I will keep trying to get
myself there. I will make a great life for myself, one where I see the
next chapter starting in Appleton. And, more importantly, I will make
things right for my son. Seeing as he's the reason this whole journey
began in the first place, I have to remember what this move will mean
to him. There won't be 12 day separations for us during the school
year. Jason & I won't have to make such long car trips to drop him
off/pick him up. We can both be ACTIVE in his education/with his
school. I can go to his games. He won't have to give up being a part of
things because of the time he spends with me. As soon as I get there, I
want to see him enrolled in Scouts and take some music lessons. I have
such plans for him, things I can't do for him here. Jason fights me on
this because he knows once I am there that he will have to share his
time with Zach 50/50, because his child support will stop, because he
won't hold all the cards anymore....but really, I believe once I am
there and things start to settle down, he will see it's for the best.
It will be so much better for our son to have us in the same town.
Knowing he will finally have some real peace and that he won't be so
torn between us means more to me than I could ever say. I LOVE YOU,
ZACH! Mommy is going to anything she can to make things right for you,
I promise this.....

Lately I have been dreaming about getting married. Perhaps it's all of
the weddings I have been to in the last couple of years, four this year
alone so far and I still have more to go to and be in. :P Maybe it's me
getting older lol. Maybe it's some sort of insight, knowing my someone
is around the corner? I really don't know why and even though it's been
heavily on my brain lately; I have to say that I am still in no rush. I
have seen too many people I love go through divorces and more than my
share who have stayed/do stay in rotten relationships. :( I have also
been in enough rocky relationships of my own. For years, I didn't even
know exactly what I wanted. Now, I do. I know what I want in someone
and in a relationship. I refuse to settle. I won't get into a
relationship because I'm lonely or because I think I won't do any
better, let alone marry for either of those reasons. To be perfectly
honest, I want to be in a relationship. But, I want it to be at the
right time, with the right person. I trust God, I trust that that right
person will come into my life at the right time. Sometimes, I get
anxious. Sometimes I get lonely. But what has kept me single and from
just rushing into anything is knowing I deserve to be happy, not just
comfortable. Being comfortable with someone is a good thing, but it
needs to be much more than comfortable. I have put my wants and needs
together and figured out the difference between them and also the
similarities. There are things I have come to realize I won't
compromise on. Compromise is a good thing a lot of the time. But, one
should never have to compromise who they are, give up their values,
morals, beliefs. Change is good, like I said....but changes shouldn't
be made because you want someone to like you or simply because someone
else wants you to. Changes should be made because YOU want to make
them. Compromise means that both people give. And here is what I know
now I want & need from someone and my relationship: I thought I
could compromise on the issue of faith, but I now know that I can't. I
am friends with people from all religious backgrounds and faiths, just
as I with people of different cultures, financial situations, etc. I
respect people for who they are and my friends respect me for who I am.
But when it comes to who I give my heart to and who I want to spend my
life with, I can't accept it if he feels differently. I can't see
myself with someone if he doesn't share my faith. When I do give my
heart to someone in front of God, my family, & friends....he needs
to be doing the same...ALL OF IT. We will be two people united together
and united in Christ. With that said, he's of course someone I will
trust and honor...who will also trust and honor me. He may not be
perfect at communication, but he will be someone who tries. He will
love me even when I am being moody, he might like me all the time, but
he will always love me and I will always love him. We will truly accept
each other, all of our flaws, insecurities, etc. We will keep God in
front....trusting in Him, when we have issues, when we have things that
bother us...we will turn to Him and to each other. He will be someone
who loves to laugh, to smile...who enjoys life. He HAS to accept my
son. Zach has a daddy, he won't be here to take Jason's place because
NO ONE can take his daddy's place. But, like Abbey in Jason's life, he
will still be around and a part of Zach's life. If he is ever cruel to
my son, he will disappear from my life. I don't expect them to be best
friends, but I do expect that he treats my son with respect. And I also
expect my son to do the same. They will be the two most important men
in my life. I hope they will get along or try to. :P Everyone has their
own ideals, what is right for them....these are mine. Don't judge me,
don't laugh at me, don't get mad if you're not a Christian....not
dogging on anyone for how they feel, but my faith is important to
me...my relationship with Christ means so much to me. And, if I can't
share that with the one I love, then we couldn't be together. Well, one
day....if
God has someone for me, he will enter my life at the right time. Maybe
I know him already, maybe not. I really have no idea, I used to think I
did....but I now know I don't, but I trust God. I know things will be
the way they are meant to be. :)

One last thing, I just wanted to say this to all of my friends: I LOVE
YOU! I know I say this often. But, if you know me, then you know this
is how I am. I am highly sentimental and mushy. I grew up wondering who
loved me, I grew up feeling alone a lot of the time. I hated how that
felt and somehow, I found a way to break the cycle. I can't hold my
feelings in. Whether I end up hurt or not, I need people to know that
they matter to me. If you're in my life now, this means it's because I
care about you. We may have a dark past. We might not have a past at
all. We may have only recently met. We may have known each other years,
but not that well. We may just be awesome friends who have never
fought. Whatever the situation is, I care about you. If I didn't, I'd
delete you, simple as that. I don't have time for fake friends, that
means myself included. I am not going to pretend to like you if I
don't. Maybe we had issues once upon a time, but if you're on my list
now, I don't anymore. Life is too short to hold onto grudges. Life is
too short to stay angry. Life is too short period. If I ever hurt you
or anyone you care about, I am sorry. I hope that because I am on your
list too, that this means I matter to you too. We all make mistakes,
sometimes over and over before we get it right. But, we all need to
find ways to move ahead. I want to move ahead. I don't know about the
rest of you, but my past is dead. I will always remember things, good
and bad...but it's not the memories from yesterday that I live for.
It's today. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow may never come. So I live each
day to its fullest, trying to make sure those I love know how much they
mean to me. Even in my darkest moments, I try to find at least one
reason to smile, to laugh....to be grateful. I don't always succeed,
but I keep trying. I have my days and sometimes weeks. But, I keep
trying. Knock me down, I will keep getting back up. I just have to keep
trying, keep going. I love you guys and gals with all of my heart.
Thank you for the hugs, prayers, kind words, calls, messages, comments,
visits, times we hang out, cards for no reason, cards for a reason,
love, honesty even when it's brutal, care, faith....thank you for not
giving up on a messed up girl who only wants to be here for those she
loves. I don't always succeed, but I keep trying. I say things I
shouldn't. I do things I shouldn't. I mess up. But, I keep trying. I
call, I text, I send messages, I leave comments, I come see you...when
my car isn't broken lol. I pray for you. I listen, when you let me. I
give you advice when you ask for it, even sometimes when you don't
haha. I always love you, no matter what. I am not perfect, no one is.
Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for loving me. I love you.

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Comment by Lillian Gaffney on July 18, 2010 at 5:33pm
...and may all your dreams come true. Your son is a lucky boy to have you as his mom, one who is so driven by your love for him.
Comment by wiffledust on July 15, 2010 at 10:58pm
awww., carissa. sometimes it's good to write it all out, huh???? i love how honest you are about your feelings. that's healthy. so many people feel the same way but are afraid to say it. i also love the way you are affirming what you want. this is how to make it happen. ask, ask specifically, and it shall be given. you are not alone, carissa....and your beautiful future is manifesting as we speak!!!! xxxxx

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