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Would like some critique of a writing project.
I am in a creative writing class. Our last assignment was to take a topic and write a real story about your experience with the topic. The magazine is called the Sun, and published in North Carolina. They pick out a number of submissions and publish them. I chose "Pretending".
This is the story I wrote. The idea is to set up story, create a scene, and then summarize.
I appreciate any comments.
Here it is
Pretending
Without much notice, I lost my job as a Travel Agent in Philadelphia after working for the same agency for 11 years. The Internet had started luring away many of our clients, and the airlines started cutting commissions. My wonderful boss understood what was happening, and decided to go out of business and retire.
I got a small severance package and collected unemployment. Still, I became very depressed. I knew that I had been working in a dying industry, and had no idea what I would do in the future.
After having a little pity party---myself being the only guest---I decided to make a list of 5 things I would do if I only had the nerve. This was way before the movie “Bucket List” was released. My list consisted of:
1. Sky diving
2. Do Stand-up Comedy
3. Sell everything and hit the road
4. Learn to surf
5. Jump in front of a train
I looked at my list and decided Stand-Up Comedy was most doable, so I enrolled in a class. The instructor concentrated on the really funny people, and the babes. I was neither. As a middle-aged woman I felt invisible, so I honed my routine on that premise: The plight of the invisible middle- aged woman.
I watched classmates drop out week by week until I realized I was really going to do it. Yes, I was going to do a 5-minute stand-up comedy routine at an actual comedy club. There were a few headliners, and 4 students. I mentioned it to a few friends, not dreaming that at least 15 people showed up for me alone.
The night of the show came, and I was terrified. I had placed a Styrofoam board with notes and cues pinned to it. When my name was called my friends all cheered. It was a packed house, and I felt like an impostor.
I got up in front of the crowd and my eyes were glued to my cue board. “Hi”, I said. “My name is Sherry, but you may know me by my stage name: Lady Clairol”.
Oh, I know I got some laughs, but if someone had heckled me, I probably would have collapsed.
Yes, that night I pretended to be a Stand-Up Comic. Five minutes can seem like an eternity when you are doing stand-up comedy. Whether the laughs were real, or from my friends cheering me on, it didn’t matter. I survived and drank champagne and celebrated.
Shortly after, I found a job at another travel agency.
This is the story I wrote. The idea is to set up story, create a scene, and then summarize.
I appreciate any comments.
Here it is
Pretending
Without much notice, I lost my job as a Travel Agent in Philadelphia after working for the same agency for 11 years. The Internet had started luring away many of our clients, and the airlines started cutting commissions. My wonderful boss understood what was happening, and decided to go out of business and retire.
I got a small severance package and collected unemployment. Still, I became very depressed. I knew that I had been working in a dying industry, and had no idea what I would do in the future.
After having a little pity party---myself being the only guest---I decided to make a list of 5 things I would do if I only had the nerve. This was way before the movie “Bucket List” was released. My list consisted of:
1. Sky diving
2. Do Stand-up Comedy
3. Sell everything and hit the road
4. Learn to surf
5. Jump in front of a train
I looked at my list and decided Stand-Up Comedy was most doable, so I enrolled in a class. The instructor concentrated on the really funny people, and the babes. I was neither. As a middle-aged woman I felt invisible, so I honed my routine on that premise: The plight of the invisible middle- aged woman.
I watched classmates drop out week by week until I realized I was really going to do it. Yes, I was going to do a 5-minute stand-up comedy routine at an actual comedy club. There were a few headliners, and 4 students. I mentioned it to a few friends, not dreaming that at least 15 people showed up for me alone.
The night of the show came, and I was terrified. I had placed a Styrofoam board with notes and cues pinned to it. When my name was called my friends all cheered. It was a packed house, and I felt like an impostor.
I got up in front of the crowd and my eyes were glued to my cue board. “Hi”, I said. “My name is Sherry, but you may know me by my stage name: Lady Clairol”.
Oh, I know I got some laughs, but if someone had heckled me, I probably would have collapsed.
Yes, that night I pretended to be a Stand-Up Comic. Five minutes can seem like an eternity when you are doing stand-up comedy. Whether the laughs were real, or from my friends cheering me on, it didn’t matter. I survived and drank champagne and celebrated.
Shortly after, I found a job at another travel agency.
Views: 57
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by wiffledust on
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hi sherry! i think this is VERY well done! it flows nicely. it's written well. it's easy to read. it's easy to follow. i'm one of those people who has to go back and read something a second time alot, but i didn't have to with this. if i had to suggest anything to make it better, it wouldn't be in writing style. i think you have that down. for submission purposes i'd see if you could make it even funnier. add more funny happenings or funny thoughts about what was happening. but that's only for submission. just my thoughts.....i really think it's done well!!!
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Permalink Reply by Sherry Somach on
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Thanks for feedback, lisa. I think you are right. funny would be funny, ironically for someone who is an "imposter" for trying to be funny!!!
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i know! but it isn't clear if the issue isn't that you're not funny or that you just didn't like it. because one joke at a club wouldn't say that. so i left with the impression that you didn't really WANT to do it. wrong?
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noooo....I wanted to be funny. I wanted to do it. Comedy is serious business.. I spent weeks honing my act. The article is about pretending. I always want to meet a challenge and won't back down.
I think what I did was to write some pretty funny stuff. However, standing up and delivering to an audience that is unforgiving( comedy audiences are tough), delivery is soooo important.
I wanted it to be funny, and was terrified that it might not be....or people would heckle and I would not be quick enough...or tough enough. I was so out of my comfort zone. The article was meant to portray that...I was a pretender at comedy.
Yet... I write funny songs and perform them with ease. I also did 2 semesters of improv comedy at Comedy Sportz and performed with a group. We supported each other. Was like, "Whose Line Is This, anyway?". I felt comfortable doing that. Stand Up comedy is really, dare I say, scary.
My summary is that I stepped up to the plate, was a stand-up comedy "pretender,"celebrated...funny or not...and went back to the travel industry. -
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as i said, sherry, i think you did the assignment without a doubt. and i think you did it well too. i was only saying that i think if you made it a tiny bit funnier, it might be accepted easier. but those desicions aren't based on "doing the assignment well". they are based on entertainment. i think it's a really really good effort.
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Permalink Reply by stephen dijoseph on
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i really like the way u told the story.....
these things jump out at me:
the whole imposter thing with Lady Clairol
the travel agent, bucket list, the "cue" board...
It seems though that u did more than pretend
and I think the "return' to travel agency was as
an "enhanced" person by the experience.
great job and congrats on the choice to "expand' sher -
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Thank you Stephen. It means a lot coming from you.
That's a beautiful thing about long term relationships. We get to watch each other grow, and sometimes even get fortunate to be part of the growth.
I, too, have been witness to your growth.
Love ya
Sher -
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Permalink Reply by Kimberlyann De Angelo on
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This is very inspirational, Sherry. I can relate in many ways...affter spending many years in food retail management and operating my own natural food store for a bit, medical complications detoured my journey.
Circumstances, emotions, experiences, etc..., came about that I could never have foreseen. Actually spent an
entire year sleeping(sometimes not even aware 3 days had passed), reading, writing and quietly "listening".
This period of time brought incredible healing, but then I had to somehow find the courage to rejoin "the world"
again, which created a great deal of new emotions...simultaneous self-pity/gratidude, tremendous curiosity---
wanting to experience everything/indecisiveness, discovery of gifts I did not know I had/great doubt in these
gifts...blah, blah, bblah.... Then suddenly I found myself on a stage, hosting an open mic for poetry, prose and
props for many very talented people. I had never met a microphone before this. Medical complications struck
again...experienced yet an even more intense and unexplainable piece of journey that was deeply contempletive.
Now, again, find myself needing to rejoin "the world". This time I truly feel like a baby who has to relearn everything all over again. Your story offers humble encouragement...always good medicine. Said a bit much here, I know, but you really did inspire me to share. Thanks again, Sherry. -
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Kimberlyann,
i think most people go through various setbacks in life, though maybe not as dramatic as your journey seems to be. If I inspired you, it makes me happy. I admire your courage to keep trying. Lisa mentioned that about whiting out her canvas. Maybe our lives are sometimes like that. We need to white out the canvas every now and then. Tabula Rasa.
A story I will share with you. I was halfway through recording my first CD of original music when I was stricken with Bells Palsy, which is partial paralysis of one side of the face. For months I sounded like Elmer Fudd on quaaludes and thought the CD project was over. Then 9/11 happened. I wrote a song about it, and went on to finish my CD. Sometimes adversity can be our greatest spitit mover. -
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to both of you guys....i feel like in so many ways we all "start over" all the time. kim, i have had to start over due to sickness too, and it's so darned hard. sometimes that gap between being sick and being well is almost harder than being sick. getting your sea legs back is hard. little baby steps. but one thing i love about creativity is that it's always there waiting to expand something. it's very healing. we are meant to be creators, i think. so i'm so glad you both took these heroic steps. and i'm still in the middle of my argument with the paints, but i plan to hang in there! baby steps, baby steps. isn't that what he said in "what about bob?" LOL!
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I really understand what you mean by "the gap between being sick and being well", Lisa...it is
a very challenging place to be in. Baby steps...for me it is one nano-second at a time...maybe
one day I will grow up to baby steps. If I make it to crawling again, I am going to grab my
bucket, shovel, colored sand and plant myself in that sandbox! Hope you can make peace
with those paints...maybe, let them talk, or run, or take over for a bit. Thanks for your
feedback, Lisa. -
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Elmer Fudd on qualudes!!! Wish I could have heard that, Sherry...always loved Elmer...and Bugs..
and Taz...sorry, got lost for a moment. You are right...we all have our stories, hurdles and need for
"white out". I think the danger lies in whiting out before taking the time to walk through reflection
with self-honesty, self-awareness and compassion to come to terms with those "ghosts"...to understand those ghosts so we can appreciate what they brought out in us to become who we are,
so they can remind us of what we can pull through...the courage deep inside we can often forget we
have. I am blessed to have met you through this community. -
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