This is the first year I did not have to fill out a permission slip or deal with parent teacher conferences or the other trappings of public school. At this time last year I was staring down the finish line of my youngest daughters senior year. It had been a long time coming. After many years of dealing with three children who were not go with the flow inside the box types (apple doesn't fall far from the tree) I was almost finished. Sure I was worried about the "real world" freak out that seemed to accompany my elder two children. Sure enough it happened but was quickly gotten through. You would think that would make me happy wouldn't you. Well, summer is over and the graduation of my "baby" is a distant memory. Reality sets in.
I used to relish the time spent with the children gone for a school day.A luxury i was able to stretch out for many years due to the age difference between my elder two and my youngest. They are 8 and 9 years older then the baby. Those day were filled with getting things accomplished or not if I didn't feel like it. Now the house is full all the time!
Due to the economy the baby ,as I will call her here, is unable to find work.I am now the proud parent of three "adult" children. These adults live under my roof with the exception of my eldest who comes and goes with seasonal work leaving behind a room full of her belongings. With all the adults in the house we are , for the most part, leading separate lives under the same roof. There are no more dinners together. We are all too busy heading out in different directions.There is no room in the fridge (that's mine don't touch it. Funny how that only goes one way) and separate car keys . The mail is now addressed to all in the household with bills to pay.
It is strange watching my adults. Most adults get to lead their adult life beyond the prying eyes of their parents. It is so hard not to intervene in decisions that you think are detrimental. I try to stay out of it, I honestly do. Mothers were put on earth to make their children's lives easier. I have a hard time drawing the line. So we go on , each living side by side but not always together.
My real fear is never getting "me time". This may sound selfish but I have been taking care of people since I was 16. The two eldest of my adults were both born to me by the time I was 17. My parents are getting older and the realization that I may have squandered any chance of just doing what I want to do is pretty terrifying . I think only beyond the day sometimes to get through this realization or else I am afraid the fear of it will consume me. But for now ,for this day, all adults both old and young are healthy and safe so I think even if all my fears come true it'll be alright. At least that is what I will tell myself for now.